Master of Death, Master of Nothing

It's been a while since I've written anything here, and I suppose there should be an explaination forthcomming. First, I am actively writing again. If I'm writing here, I'm not writing my book. It's exceedingly hard to write good literature during every second of spare time I have, and then to squeeze yet more time out to write a 500 word blog article. To blame it all on my book and my time restraints isn't entirely fair, or honest, for that matter.

I have been decidedly distracted lately, though I haven't really been forthcomming about it. The issue has been plaguing me since I was 12 or so. At that point in my life I experienced, for me, the most tramatic thing I could have then, Death. My grandmother died, and she and I had become increasingly close during the last year and months of her life. I'll never understand it but the death haunted me, in ways that I can never really explain.

I've tried to explain them, in thousands of poems and free writes and pieces of verse, I've tried. I've tried to understand death, and in this I lost myself I think. What I had thought was my grieving process was, I think, just an obsession with death. Or perhaps more apropriately at that time the pain that death inflicts in the fallout of it's merciless grasp.

In my poetry I saught to conquer this pain, to overcome it, so that I never had to hurt that badly again. But the scariest part I'm only realizing now, is that I succeeded. And in what then I would have seen as my greatest accomplisment, I now see as my greatest failure, my dramatic flaw.

A year later my great aunt died, and a year after that my great grandmother, then my grandfather. Each time it hurt less, and less, and less. The deaths kept getting closer and closer and the pain kept fading. I didn't take much notice then, I just kept writing, working. It was like every emotion that pained me, I could, I would, find the words to describe it on my pad, and in doing so lock them away forever.

It's only now that I understand exactly what I've done. It took the death of a great woman, someone I admired and respected deeply, to help me understand. When a friend's mother passed away and I felt nothing, not sadness, not regret, nothing, some part of me questioned it. Why doesn't this feel bad? And it bothered me. Shook me, really, shook me deeply and I began to wonder how well I really knew myself, how well I understood myself.

I've been kind of lost lately, spending more time trying to understand myself. I've spent a great deal of time analyzing my past, trying to discern the turning point, trying to find the way back. I don't know, I do know that I've gone numb in a sense and for some reason the pain in the painlessness hurts that much more.

I Saw Breaking Dawn Part 1

I saw Breaking Dawn, part I on Saturday and while I enjoyed the opportunity to re-live the Twilight Saga, I found it laking. The actual story-line followed the actual plot rather closely, I believe, though it wasn't perfect but I'll concede on this point that movies based on books have limitations as per the inherent nature in the way books are written.

My complaints lie mainly in the acting. The first thing that really make me cringe was the shyness that seemed to permeate their relationship in this movie. It was weird and hard to explain, but it was almost as if they were uncomfortable. I know what they were going for, and the effect worked in the scene immediately before the sex scene (I'll get there.), who isn't nervous and jittery before that first time with someone? So I see using that flavor of acting there, but it seemed to stay with them the whole way through the movie. It was -- it was just weird.

The wedding was great and I loved it. The vowels always make me laugh, I just enjoy being "in" on their little secret. My absolute favorite quote from the movie was from Emmet, Kellon Lutz, “Bella, I hope you got enough sleep these last 18 years, ‘cause you’re not gonna be getting any, any time soon.” I laughed probably a little too loudly, mostly because again we're in on the secret and the wedding is not. Bella's Dad was great as well with his toast, he reminded me of my dad with his guns and hunting men gambit. This was probably my favorite scene from the whole movie.

My other quip is with the Jacob/Bella dance at the reception, where Jake was all over her. I seriously would not be surprised if Mrs. Cullen didn't have a hickey on her neck before it was over. Again, we know Jake has some misplaced affection for Bella because she is destined to have a daughter who Jake imprints on. I get it, really I do, but it was over-done just a tad too much.

The sex scene itself was done tastefully, and I don't have much to say here except that I would have really, really enjoyed actually watching some feathers flying, rather than snowing down lightly in the morning. I'd also imagined her bruises being a bit worse, but perhaps that stemmed from Edward always being a drama queen when it concerned Bella in the books.

Over all it wasn't awful, however I came away thinking there was some filler in places there didn't need to be, and full of nuances over smaller details, many acting and dialogue. I just feel like it could have been better and that Summit Entertainment dropped the ball on us this time around. Here's hoping for better direction in part II, or whatever it takes to make this series go out with a bang.

(emmafrost has a review of Breaking Dawn pt. 1 that reflects my feelings better than I can.)

The Heroes of Olympus: The Son of Neptune

In the first part of this follow-up series to the New York Times Best Selling series "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" by Rick Riordan, The Lost Hero, Percy Jackson has gone missing and the mysterious Jason has been brought to Camp Halfblood by Grover and the gang. In part 2 of the series, The Son of Neptune, Percy makes his way to the other demigod camp, Rome.

Riordan is a master at making Greek and Roman mythology (and even Egyptian mythology as well), and perhaps even history in general, interesting. I've always been a mythology lover, be it Greek or Roman, so he didn't have to work hard here. However the result either way is a captivating masterpiece that makes you want to read and read and read, leaving you pining for more when you turn the last page (or click the last click on  your Kindle).

The book is perfectly paced, he moves his characters around his playing board with precision. Never spending too long in one place. His fight scenes are balanced with just the right amount of battle, tactics, dialogue, action, and even the touch of humor making you spontaniously giggle like a school girl. Often though, I found myself belting in laughter at points and always the comedic relief is thrown in at just the right moment.

Often when I read, I find myself thinking "I would have done this differently." I know I'm not the author, and it's not my call, but I don't control my thoughts most of the time (if ever). But when I read Riordan, I don't think I've ever had one of those moments, it's perfect, everything about it is perfect.

My only complaint is that I have to wait until the fall of next year to read more. Riordan has another series, that Egyptian one I mentioned earlier, that is due for a new book so I have that to look forward to (I hope).

Review of Destined (House of Night)

I recently finished reading the latest installment of the "House of Night" series by P.C. and Kristen Cast. Destined is packed full of sub-plots and many twists and turns keeping the reader guessing constantly.

I started reading the series back in May of '07 when I randomly saw the book on one of the new release shelves at Walmart. The Cast, mother-daughter, duo had me from the first page. I was intrigued by the idea of the vampire finishing school vamps go to when they're Marked. I fell in love with Neferet right along with Zoey and I think I began to hate her just as quickly.

These two are great story tellers, forcing me wonder at the ever-popular question "what happens next" at the end of each book. This time around Destined has not left me without wondering. We started the series fighting Neferet, who then took on Kalona as her consort after raising him from the Earth.

Now Kalona hates Neferet and Stevie Ray in equal parts, the only logical thing to have happen would be for the two sides to at least call a truce in favor of Stevie Ray's Consort, Kalona's son Rephaim, but what happens in the end will suprise you and leave your head spinning and thinking about possibilities you never would have thought possible.

If you need action, magick and vampires and a loving Goddess when you read, grab a "House of Night" book while you're out. They're perfect for the reluctant reader too! I love a fast, easy read to just relax into just as much as I love the deep and involved books.

My Thoughts on Joe Paterno (Child Sex Abuse Scandal)

I've been hearing bits and pieces of this story break and unfold during my drives to work on the radio. Suffice it to say I don't know if you score goals or baskets in football (I'm only partially joking here, my sports knowledge is very limited), I can and will commit my opinion on recent events to the slew of news and blog posts popping up all over the Internet.

Since I'm not a fan at all, and could care less about Penn State University as I'm a Carnegie Mellon fan and future Alumnus, I feel my opion will be as ubiased as possible.

I've always disliked sports, mostly because I'm an academic, and my High School (Hempfield) was (and kinda still is) renound in the area for its academia. So when the district built a $15 million sports complex, installed ridiculously expensive turf other schools were replacing because of numerous injuries, bought a instant re-play scoreboard (with insurance money for the one damaged in a freak tornado) that I'm can't be used in WPIAL sports, and cut the foreign language program from primary schools' curriculums (which is the perfect age for learning a language), you can imagine I was, to be perfectly blunt: more than a little pissed off. School budgets should be focused on providing a top-notch academic environment for students, spending excess money on athletics. I understand many have differing opinions on this particular matter and I respect them, and also respectfully, and strongly, disagree. (During my time at the school, they also almost ruined a teens life.)

I can tell you I've been reading a lot of the articles that have been popping up, as well as some of the comments. Not to mention it's the topic of every conversation I hear. I'm getting a lot of mixed feelings about Paterno, who many will be glad to know was terminated on Wednesday following an emergency meeting of PSU's Board of Trustees.

Some say he should resign immediately, some say he should be fired (along with his superiors), some defend him citing that he did what he was supposed to and reported it to his superior, which he did. I can find sense in all of these arguments.

The comments I find most peculiar though, and I know people will read this and think a whole slew of terrible things about me, are the ones saying what they would have done if they were Paterno. These things range from beating the "living **** out of that mother ******" to calling the police to killing him to stopping him. I believe that %95 of these people are telling the truth. Of those people, I believe about %50 actually belive what they are saying. Of those people I think that %5 would have actually intervened physically, and the number is probably even lower.

Something like this is gruesome, there is no blood and gore, but it is terrible all the same. My thoughts above are backed by Paul Mones who is is a sexual abuse attorney as well as a children's rights advocate out of Oregon. He is quoted by USA Today as saying:

"I don't think it's in our cultural DNA to intervene in certain situations. I would also say in my almost 30 years of doing this kind of work, it is extremely unusual for someone to walk in at the time a sexual assault on a child is taking place. And so it's almost like the person who witnesses it can't integrate it into their understanding of things as they see the world."

Many are wondering why Paterno didn't follow up on the situation and I too, wonder that myself. His legal obligation was to report it to his superior, but I know with certainty that I would have at least followed up. We can't say with certainty he didn't. I think a lot of us forget that the people that run these universities aren't high school principals with a masters in education or administration, but often incredibly powerful people. I mean this in the sense of both money and connections to other people with lots of money and lots of connections. I really don't want to do the whole conspiracy theory thing here, but it is entirely possible (and perhaps not even all that unlikely) that Paterno was asked (forced) to keep quiet. Perhaps some very subtle, or not so subtle, threats were exchanged. No one but the people involved can be certain as to the exact details of what went on behind the closed doors of Penn State University.

I think that given this, it's unfair for any of us to pass judgement so harshly on Paterno. I hear lots of people and articles saying he was trying to protect his reputation, but until we know more about what went on, we're only poking blindly in the dark at the truth with short sticks. I think then, for now at least, Paterno should have been permitted to remain in his position. Perhaps suspended pending details of the investigation. He announced his retirement for the end of the year anyway so he was leaving either way. Some crisis specialists have said that the only way the university could save face was quick termination of Paterno (along with PSU's president who was indeed terminated as well).

I also want to make clear that, baring any circumstance in which Paterno would have been unable to go to the police, I'm on the side of the rest of the world in believing he should have been terminated immediately. If we were in France (and probably several other countries) he would be in jail right now for failing to report a crime.

Yeah, I Can do Web Design

I recently designed this site for a friend of mine who needed a way to collect donations from the members of her Alliance in a Facebook game she plays. 

The donations enable her to have more contests and give out more prizes which in turn cause her members to work harder to be better players and win the contests.

This is probably the nicest thing I've designed in a long time, as I'm not a Web designer by default, it's not something I do often. My primary function in the IT world is to design and develop software and backend systems for Web sites. A lot of what I do is high-volume, sensitive data management and analysis work.

What that means is I write some computer code that moves information around and looks at it and makes decisions based on it or derives stats about customers (Customer Relationship Management). I do a lot of Point of Sale (cash register systems) development as well. I hate trying to explain exactly what it is I do because I do a lot of things, and I always have to be careful because I can't really talk about a lot of my work. 

Since this isn't nearly as sensitive as what I normally do, I thought I'd take the opportunity to share some of my work with you, even if it doesn't really showcase my programming skills. If you click on the image thumbnail, you can see the whole screenshot. The "latin" looking text is called "Lorem Ipsum" which is filler text we use in the Web Design industry to see how text looks on a Web page. It was originally used in typeset books by typesetters.

How to Kill a Character

Killing my first ever character was one of the hardest things I've ever done as a writer. It didn't help that the character, and its death, was crucial to the book. By now I hope you've guessed guessed I'm talking about Maerik. He was Mattes' mentor and teacher and stand-in father. He was incredibly important to Mattes, if not to the story in many subtle ways, and I understood that and I felt awful taking him away from Mattes.

I spent a week writing that scene, and to this day I don't believe I've done it justice. It was, after all, the first time I'd ever offed a character in a story I'd written. Not in a short story in high school, not in any of what I've written in my past. I get mixed feelings about the scene when I talk to people about it too. Some have told me that the emotional connection for the reader should have been stronger with Maerik, others have said I left them feeling incredibly sorry for Mattes.

Part of the problem with killing a character is that the reader isn't actually seeing it happen, and it forces me to work harder to create the right emotions in the text, to pull at the heart-strings of the reader. To do that I have to open old wounds from my childhood. I have to relive the loss of my grandparents, feeling all the pain and sadness all over again. Then I project it onto paper. 

I tend to gain a sense of attachment to the characters I write about. I'm not talking about Maud, even though her death was a crucial part of making Mattes understand that there was no doubt he would have to destroy Marqus, she was a minor character. The only difficulty she gave me was the manner of her death. In fact I created her only to kill her and wrote almost nothing about her. She existed to die and to break up the monotony of staying in Inns accross Kaetuernen.

When I speak of attachment I'm talking about the characters I've spent weeks developing before I even have them written anywhere. I know their fears, their desires, the story of their life. Sometimes I know who their parents are, I know their height, weight, eye color, hair color. I become so intimately familiar with them, that it sometimes feels like they're real, like I could call them and have a chat or something.

How then, do you make this whole process easier? I don't think you can. It's going to make you feel bad, if it doesn't something's wrong. I'm not sure I want it to be easier, I think if I stopped feeling the pain I'd stop writing it well, and I'd probably begin to question which part of me had to die so I couldn't feel anymore.

Something we also have to worry about, as a writer, is alienating our reader. Going back to what someone had said about there not being a strong enough emotional connection between the reader and Maerik, I did that on purpose. I built the connection to Maerik through Mattes, I wanted the reader to feel Mattes' pain, not the grief at having lost a good character. I was also acutely aware that if I made Maerik seem too important, and made my readers love in too much, I would run the risk of alienating someone. After all, it was the first couple chapters of the first book.

The best tip I can give to someone though, who is struggling with killing a character is to relive the saddest moments of your life and write it into the story, make it feel real. But steel yourself because it's going to be unpleasant.